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Why Women Stay in an Abusive Relationship
The reasons why women stay in violent relationships are highly complex and may occur on many levels. Not all of the following factors are found in each case, but a combination of some of them is usually enough to keep the woman together with her abusive partner.
1. Frequency and Severity
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Generally, the less severe and less frequent the incidents, the more likely she’ll stay |
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He may tell her, and she may be convinced, that this battering was the last. |
2. Her Childhood
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She may have lived in a home where her father beat her mother, and accepts it as natural. |
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The more her parents hit her, the more likely she’ll stay. In other words, she learned at an early age that it’s OK to hit someone you love when they’ve done something wrong. |
3. Economic Dependence
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Her husband may control all their money and she may have no access to cash, checks, or important documents. |
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Economic conditions today afford a woman with children few viable options. She often has no marketable skills. Government assistance is very limited, and many women dread welfare. |
4. Fear
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If she – or even neighbor – reports him to the police, he will often take revenge upon her. |
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She believes her husband to be almost omnipotent. She sees no real way to protect herself from him. Many of her fears are justifiable. |
5. Isolation
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Often he is her only support system psychologically, having systematically destroyed her other friendships. Other people feel uncomfortable around violence and withdraw from it. |
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She may have no idea that services are available and may feel trapped. |
6. Low Self-Esteem
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Some women believe that if they would improve or stop making mistakes, the battering would stop. They stay because of guilt. |
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Learned helplessness: She begins to believe what he says about her being incompetent and unable to function on her own. |
7. Beliefs About Marriage
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Religious and cultural beliefs or the eyes of society demand that she maintain the façade of a good marriage. |
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Often she stays for the sake of the “children needing a father.” |
8. Her Beliefs About Men
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She often still loves him and is emotionally dependent. |
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She believes him to be all-powerful and able to find her anywhere. Many of her fears and beliefs about him are based in reality since some of the violence exhibited by these men is lethal. |
Remember, domestic violence attacks the core of the person – who she is, how she feels, how she thinks, and her value system.
Barricades to Leaving
Even when a battered woman decides to leave, batterers put up many
barricades. Many threaten to seek custody of their children, to withhold
support, to interfere with her employment, to advise prospective landlords that
she is not credit-worthy, to try to turn the children or family against her, to
threaten to kill her or other family members if she leaves, to threaten
retaliatory suicide, or in other ways to escalate his violence in an attempt to
hold her in the relationship.
Leaving is a Process
Most battered women leave and return several times before permanently
separating from the batterer. Leaving is a process. The first time a battered
woman leaves may be a test to see whether he will actually get some help to stop
his terrorism. Each time that she leaves again, she is using this time to gather
information, resources, and strength to eventually leave for good.
The most important thing to remember is never judge the abused woman. You do not know what threats or coercion methods are being used.
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